I'm still at 198lbs.

Stress is at an all time high. Every time I say this something happens to make it go even higher, but wow. My testimony was interrupted by a "surprise" move by the defence, bringing things to a halt, and keeping me under cross-examination mode (meaning i am the defence's witness and cannot discuss a word about what is happening in that room with anyone on the planet) until Wednesday. Then I get to find out if what I did was a big ole nothing being used as a stall tactic, or a big ole whoops, causing a whole lot of hurt.

Stress? HA!

So, after a bit of an intervention by a shrink I somewhat respect, my husband, and my daughter, i re-resigned. I sent my boss a very apologetic email, explaining I have never quit a job without giving notice before, and how I hate that this crap is costing me my job too now, but really, I just can't handle responding to urgent work emails while taking a quick smoke break between my cross examination. She was very kind in her response, and very flattering, and this time accepted it.

So, I'm not working. Again.

But fear not! I have so so so much to do to keep me busy. Christmas is coming and I have done nothing to prepare. My daughter's birthday is next Monday and I have done nothing to prepare. And the list goes on.

Somehow through all this, I managed not to gain a single pound. Go figure.

Ah, but speaking of figure, I'm getting square again. Yep, that's my fat shape - square. With a back like a linebacker. Weeks of sitting in court waiting rooms and sleeping in hotels with my only exercise being going out for a cigarette is starting to show. Soon oh dear Body Flow (how could I have hated you so and miss you more?) and soon Body Pump..and Spin Class..ah dear dear Spin Class..You, I don't miss one single itty bitty bit :)--

It's almost over. My two goals - stay sane, stay in onederland.

What are your two goals as the holiday season hits us?

xo

Anyone Can.

I have no willpower. Zilch. I'm impulsive, lazy and self -defeating.

My life is that of a drama/horror movie/jerry springer episode.

I have ADD and suffer from depression. It takes all my energy to get out of bed in the morning and once I do I have to work really hard to not sit at the computer (obviously unsuccessful this morning lol!).

I have a child, a job, a dog, and a wonderful, but enabling husband. I have a sister and mother who are wonderful, yet, not in a healthy lifestyle and who, of late, I have spent considerable time with. I am busy. And stressed.

And I managed to control my eating enough this week to get back to Onederland.

This week's official (home) weigh in:198.8lbs.

Everyone's life is busy and stressful. Everyone has family issues, enablers, time constraints, stress.

Terrible things happen to wonderful people every single day.

The difference between those who still continue to strive to make their health a priority and those who fold in the face of all the crap life has to offer?

I have no idea.

But it's a small comfort to know that somehow, through it all, I have morphed into one of them.

If *you* know the difference, please post a comment here, or write your own blog post about it and let me know you did so I can go read it:)

Want to see a REAL success story? One who has thrived in the face of a tragedy I could not imagine? Go visit Prior Fat Girl. Now there's a girl who just keeps on going.

Oh, and never forget the fabulous Amanda!! Three kids, all of them wonderful, and each of them challenging in their own way..talk about busy days!

I'm sure there are more out there..if you are one of them, shout it out! If you know of one, please share!

Have a wonderful Sunday folks, and here's hoping :)

This is the pot, FINALLY updating her blog..YOUR TURN;) ( you know who you are..AMYYYY!)

So, since my post, a long long time ago, a lot has happened.

I did give in my letter of resignation. It was not accepted. My boss is aware of my situation (for those of you not in the know, my sister was murdered in May of 2008 and the accused is on trial now) and feels that if it weren't for that, I would be exactly who she needs, so she has allowed me to take all the time off for the trial that I need, without pay, and will be patient until its all over. She feels that I'm an excellent employee, full of promise of good things and is willing to wait for it. Huh. I was floored. So, I'm still working in between driving two hours to sit in a waiting room of a court house for hours on end. I don't love my job, but I don't hate it. Its taking care of some hours during the day when I could just be sitting here trying to "solve the crime", or picturing the horrors of the last minutes of her life which is a very good thing. We'll revisit that after Christmas I suppose.

Emotionally, I'm a roller coaster. Someone, not too close to me, but close enough, showed annoyance at my "stoicism". Um..really? Since when did being stoic become a negative trait???? What are my choices? Burst into tears and be in fetal position 24 hours a day? There is no book written on what happened to my sister, and how to handle it, so I'm doing the best I can. Being social is impossible right now - every thought and breath is about this trial, and yet I don't feel right talking about it non stop and making others uncomfortable, or making every get together all about me. Besides, I run the risk of saying something in a way I don't mean it to come across and being forever misjudged. A good example of that? A roll of the eyes and sigh while hearing "Gawd, the stoicism is a bit much no?". Um. Huh?

Physically I'm a flat boring ride. I've had no time for the gym, and although my intentions are fabulous, the world is not cooperating. I need to make that stop. This was supposed to be the week for it, but hubby went away on a biz trip and so I'm a single mom to the dawg and the girl. The girl, btw, dropped a bench on her toe and is in a boot cast. The toe nail is starting to lift, causing us both to laugh uncontrollably at the complete and utter disgustingness of it. Ew does not begin to describe it. So there has been little to no work outs, except for the dog walking. My body's 40th bday present to me was to give me my first ever corn (on my right baby toe) and omg it hurts. All the time. Freakin' nagony. My left foot is feeling some discomfort from some back issues so basically I am walking like..a person with two sore feet (sorry, couldn't find a metaphor there!). So there, not stoic, whiny. How this is better, I don't know, but I thought I would give it a try;;)

Food wise..not admirable. I'm tracking about 3 days a week..the other 4, I am hardly eating so I know I'm not going over points, but I also know that isn't good either. Not sure how I'm going to get that under control - I suppose a trip to the grocery store would be a start lol! Having an appetite would also probably help!:)

Scale wise..its a mystery. I no longer attend meetings. I can't find a leader I like (well except for Mary in Niagara, but 90 minutes each way is an awfully long drive to weigh in!!) so I decided to weigh in at home. Last week, I was up to 200.9. This morning I forgot to weigh in but a nurse came to the office to do a physical for my benefits and her scale brought me in at 194lbs. So..I'll wait til next Saturday to get a final number on my scale and start tracking my weight from that number. Something so easy (step on, look down, step off) shouldn't seem this complicated!

That's it for me for now. Amy Joyce, I expect a post young lady!

For those of you still checking in - thank you for your patience and support. I do appreciate it, even if i'm really crappy at showing it!

xo

The more they stay the same.

I haven't weighed in in two weeks. I won't even step on my home scale. Emotional eating is at an all time high and that gym membership is growing dust on it.

What I thought would be one afternoon of testifying turned into a day and a half of hell. On the one hand, it is true what they say - its really easy, just tell the truth. Which I did. On the other hand there's this little tiny hand in the corner of my brain ready to pull back the curtain on the surrealness of it all and show me that it is in face all very very real. I'm not ready for that. Carbs seem to be a good tool at keeping that hand at bay. I think the "seem to" is a key indication that they don't - in fact, i'm just feeling like crap.

I've also decided to quit my job. This was a huge struggle for me. I seem to have quit a few things in my life lately and it really truly is unlike me. But, the few people I've told have immediately come back "oh good". Seems I'm not the only one who has felt this job is terrible on my self-esteem, my physical health, my mental health. Things will be even tougher financially here at home, but we'll figure it out. And I can't say I"m not really happy about being back at home.

See, all that time I've been off I was ..frozen. I didn't do much. I wasted a year of my life. Now that I've been working hard, proving to myself I am smart, I am resourceful, I am useful I can take that knowledge and apply to me and mine for a little while. Get some huge scary home projects going and get us in a bit more stable of an environment.

So, on Tuesday I'll hand in my resignation. I don't have to give any notice but i'm leaving it open for them to decide : leave the same day, leave at the end of the week, give 2 weeks notice. I like to think I'm professional, and offer professional courtesy whenever I can; even when I know for a fact I would not be offered the same.

So that's me. I'll be back blogging and checking up on YOUR blog more often now:) That's a bonus! And I will be able to attend the w.w. meetings I missed and loved so much on Tuesday mornings! And the gym and I will have daily, yes daily get togethers.

Changes are good. That's a tough thing to remember, but once you do, it can open up a whole new can of delicious chocolate sau..no no wait sorry lol..0 point soup!

xo

Hello bloggety friends:)

Well, due to the pain in my back, hips and legs, sleeping in is now a thing of the past. I was up early this morning and spent some time going over police transcripts and timelines, prepping for the next 6 weeks. Just when it was starting to fade from the forefront of every thought, it all has to be force fed down my throat again. In the words of my very wise 13 year old..whatever.

Now i'm prepping for the Super Sunday of Cleaning. We did a massive food shopping yesterday so in between laundry and cleaning I'll be preparing quick meals for me and mine:) Hopefully this will help us all maintain our health (and my weight) through the upcoming weeks.

Speaking of weight..

I lost ONE pound this week!! 197.4 lbs baby!!

My goal for next weigh in: 1.6 lb loss - this will bring me down 30lbs. This, I will be very very happy with. AND it will ensure that no matter what time of day, or what I'm wearing, that scale will not show the 200's again. I *hate* that.

I got to the gym twice last week, and will accept nothing less again this week. Monday and Tuesday are 100% for sure. Wednesday I have prep with the Crown, and that possibly might be testifying Thursday or Friday.

So what's on list for today's weekly prep?

Cucumber Tomato Salad.
Just as it says..chop up some tomato, a full cuke, some red onion, add a bit of parsley, gloop a few gloops of red wine vinegar, a tbsp of sesame oil and tada!

Honey Garlic Meatballs and Wild Rice - for the kid for lunches when she comes home.

Chopped up carrot sticks and cauliflower for snacks with some store bough garlic hummus.

Low Fat Pumpkin Soup (recipe coming AFTER i make it to make sure its good lol!)

I think that's it!

Have a fab Sunday all:)

xo

So, I keep mentioning how I spend Sundays *trying* (emphasis on trying cuz most weekends I don't end up as successful as I had hoped or planned) to prepare for the work week.

Here is a list of what I did today to try and smooth out the edges of the week:

1. Washed enough clothes to make sure I have three workout outfits - pants, undies, sports bra, tshirts and 3 pairs of gym socks.
2. Made sure I had 4-5 clean tops for office wear
3. Found a pair of pants I can get away with wearing tomorrow, and put 3 other pairs in a bag by the front door to take and get altered - giving me pants for the rest of the week to wear.
4. Made a tomato/cucumber/onion salad to take to work and leave in the fridge all week.
5. Made baggies of fresh cut red peppers, spinach, and chicken to take to work for lunches for the first two days. Put them all together in the fridge next to some apples and yogurt. In the morning, they all go in a grocery bag.
6. Made sure there are green beans, snap peas, cut up carrots and defrosting pork loin for a stir fry Monday night. This will also give me left overs for lunch on Thursday and Friday.
7. Cleaned out the fridge of all the non-useable stuff so i don't get overwhelmed when I open the fridge door at 6:30 am on Monday morning.
8. Filled up the coffee maker.
9. Checked the gym schedule - tomorrow night Body Pump at 6, and Body Flow at 7.
10. Chilled and watched a funny movie with my daughter, my hubby and my dawg. Laughs and love to get us through the week ahead.

So that's it, that's my list. I'm sure it could be better, so i'm looking forward to you posting your own list on your blog of what you do to make life easier, and time more manageable through your work week. Let me know when you do so I can drop by and get some ideas ok?

Thanks!

xo
p.s. no i haven't read the book..i'm too busy!! ;)

House is sold. Contigent upon their financing and the house inspection, but it is sold.

Mom is moved into Cobourg and happily exploring the town with little sis.

My back is feeling much better, and the pains in my legs are now intermittent throughout the day instead of a constant screaming. The only thing to do now is continue with physio and deal with the pain or have surgery. I don' want the surgery for a whole host of reasons, so i'll deal. I'm good at dealing:)

I still have a hole in my mouth, but everyone assures me it can't be seen.

Took a pill for the first time in weeks last night and slept a full 10 hours. I'm drowsy today and you know what? That's OK. I deserve a drowsy day.

I've slowly been getting the fridge ready for the week, and slowly doing laundry. Soon, DH and I are going to go out and get me a pair of pants and a pair of shoes. Two items I need very very badly - i.e. none of my dress pants fit anymore and I don't have a single pair of black office shoes. Dinner is at the in-laws tonight so i'm off the hook for cooking dinner. Instead, I may make a low point pumpkin soup for the week.

Oh..and..my gym bag is packed for Monday after work. Not sure what I'll do ..pump, spin, or flow..will depend on the body is feeling, but i know my mind is thinking i really really need some cardio. So..Spin it might be, if my leg can take it.

This morning I finally made my first Green Monster. It was a bit watery, but its true what they say, you can't taste the spinach. Im going to TRY to have one every other morning this week, but its a bit of work for my asleep brain to handle lol. Here's what was in mine (sorry no pic..and it really turned out to be more of a Brown Monster than a Green one !)

In the blender:
2 ice cubes and a handful of spinach ( i called it 1/2 cup)
1 cup of almond breeze milk stuff
1 cup of frozen raspberries
1 tbsp of cocoa powder

Stir and mix and blend and puree the crap out of it.

2 pts and 3 servings of veggies and one serving of milk. If I can find some sort of protein powder that is tasteless, I may purchase it and add it to the mix for some morning protein. No, don't say bananas. Banana bread = yah baby. Bananas - don't even make me smell you.

I'm weird that way:)

No weigh in this week as I was in Cobourg having a lovely night of Grey's Anatomy Season 4 (which, being the good sister I am I left there for her to watch lol), some junk food and some laughs:) I am pretty sure I had a loss this week, but I promised myself I'd use any missed weigh ins as stayed the same, so there you have it.

Its ok - i'll feel twice as good when i have a 2lb loss next saturday!!

So as you can see i'm not as cranky today:) Thank you for your support in the last post..it does help!

Take care of yourself today..you deserve it.

xo