Feeling good!

No really..I am.

Christmas is coming soon (sorry to remind you) and that usually brings on an onslaught of angst and sorrow. I had a bad afternoon yesterday thinking about how my family has really twindled to just my mom and how so very, very sad that makes me.  And then, I just...stopped.  No spiraling, no moping, no railing and crying and blogging and ..whatever. I just stopped.

It was awesome.  It reminded me that that's the way I need to be about EVERYTHING - good, bad, sad, happy, scary, exciting....Feel it, then, stop.  Do not let the day go by without noticing all the other wonderful and awful things happening.

That, Lisa, is life.  And living it, with good, bad and ugly is so, so much better then just plowing through with a scowl on your face, or feeling sorry for your sad self or too intimidated to go be with people.

Daily Check In
- I've gotten just over 6K every day this week, with one day at almost 9k! Very happy with that!
- Fruits and veggies - seem to be more of a struggle from wednesday to friday BUT i reminded myself there is a Sobey's right across the street from my work - no reason not to run across and grab something healthy there.  Yesterday I bought cubed watermelon with a bit of trepidation. I don't really like watermelon.  However it seems that the non-smoking Lisa LOVES watermelon!!  YUM!
- Try one new recipe a week - done! See this post for details!
- The no night time eating is SO easy when hubby is not home.  However he arrived back last night so this weekend will be The Big Test!
- Keep sodium down to 1500 - check!  But when I went for one more test yesterday at the docs and told her of my 1500 goal she recommended 1000. Um. hrm. Well..um..hrm.  Ok, so we agreed on 1200 for a few weeks to see how I do.  Given the option between double fudge chocolate cake with buttercream chocolate icing and a bowl of plain, ripple chips - i'm going for the chips.  So, although I don't add salt to any meal served, I do love me my salt.  I'm just trying to remind myself this isn't forever..it's just to get healthy.  Then we'll see what happens:)

So, that's me for this week.  Nothing too exciting..which is SO ok with me!


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Scale Story:)

That's what I've decided to call weigh in days.  The reason is simple - I don't know how to delete labels from previous posts that have been hidden so I have to make up new ones!

The good news is, the scale has gone down! 5lbs in one week to be exact.  Which is a HUGE relief.

After quitting smokig (again) on the 20th of October, and then getting of my bp meds ( I really should write about that soon!) I gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks.  I went to my doc quite teary eyed and she suggested I keep doing what I'm doing and wait and see, that things might adjust themselves. So today, day 1 of my first period in 2.5 months, I weigh 5lbs less then I did last Tuesday.

I believe cutting my salt intake down to a strickt 1500mg per day has been a big help.  I also feel a lot better, like i'm not literally dragging myself everywhere, making even a walk to the bathroom a chore.

I've got my daily goals up there on the right to remind me what I gotta get done every day in November and so far so good.

Yesterdays steps : 7592
This week's new food: Spaghetti Squash!!

Funny story there - Sam asked me to buy a spaghetti squash and I tried not to fall down in shock. So I did, and on the counter it sat.  Yesterday I knew I'd be working late so I asked her to please make the squash for dinner.  She even attempted her own sauce (not too shabby) and added some shrimp. It was REALLY GOOD!!  The way to get around the squash thing - is not to expect pasta in any way. Forget the "spaghetti" part of its name.  Then, it's actually delish!!

Tonight I'm making dinner - here's hoping I'm half the cook she is!


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A Repost..Happy Birthday Hanna.

From the hidden files of my posts..

I was reading through my previous posts looking for some info I had written about and was shocked to find there was not a single post about The Birth of Hanna.

I realized it didn't fall under any of the Reverb categories I had committed to writing to in December, and I was in a hotel room going through the end of a trial in late November and so, somehow, it just..fell to the side. Which was kind of sad.  But!! I did enjoy re-reading the Reverb posts I had written.  December was a busy month - as it is for most people - and so I'd quickly bang something out, then hit save and posted a bunch of them in a row to re-read later.  One afternoon I realized um..i need to post these and I don't have time to re-read them, so up they went.

This morning, I re-read them.  Some were pretty lame. I could have dug deeper, peeled some scabs off a bit more..But it's obvious I'm not ready for that.  Some though, really made me smile (seriously, who else's life is completely altered by a single Zumba class??) some made me cry (ah, The Great Cheeseball Moment of 2010 ) and some made me realize I need to re-read those posts almost daily.

So..the story of Hanna's birth (some gory details at the end, I give you fair warning!)..

My cousin, Carlin is about 10 years younger than I am.  But she is the eldest of three, and so we've always that kind of bond, Where only the eldest of three would understand our life issues;)  We can go months, years without seeing each other, and then we just fall back into place.  One day, she asked me to lunch as she had some news.  She was thoughtful enough to warn me it was "good news" :)

Carlin is single. I don't know anything about her dating life. I know her life is full of friends, music, and adventures.  That's all I needed to know.  Sitting across from me, with a plate of sushi between us she drops the bomb of all bombs.

I"m pregnant.

And  how did I, the mature, older, at one time maybe considered cool, cousin react to that?

Ha-ha..ok really, what's the news?
No, really I'm pregnant.
Yep, ha ha you got me..so really what's the news?

No, really..she was pregnant.

The hows and whys are her story.  MY story is that when asking her the million and one way personal questions that seem ok once someone has announced they have a human growing inside of them it came out she hadn't decided yet who to pick to help her deliver the little being into the world.  Since this has always been on my bucket list, (and at my age my friends aren't likely to give me the opportunity) I half- jokingly volunteered. And I thought, she half-jokingly took me up on it. I mean, we have a bond, but she has closer family, and really much closer friends. I never for a moment thought she was serious until a few months later at my house when she commented "well your job while in the room is to..."
Say what?
What room?
I'm REALLY going to be in the room?? You were SERIOUS??

I am not ashamed to say there was some screaming, and jumping up and down and perhaps hours, days..ok weeks of "i'm gonna deliver a baby" singing.

And then, as in almost every aspect of my life since my sister's death, court shit intruded in like ..well, like court shit always done.  The end of the second trial would be falling right in around the due date.  I have to admit, I struggled. A lot.  I felt, for me, my sister(s), my daughter, my mom, I should be in court. I felt for me, my cousin, my future I should be in that birthing room.  I prayed to all the Gods, Goddesses, Fates, and fake gods to make me not have to choose.

I finally told Carlin, that if I had to make the decision, my choice would be to be with her and she wasn't to worry about it.  I did not tell her I would be doing enough worrying about it for both of us.

Last day of trial. Charges to the jury are made by both the defence and the Crown.  I saw a picture of my sister's body, wrapped in a blue tarp and bungee cords, laying in a hole in the ground.  I heard things from my brother in law I never thought I would ever hear. What little bit of tiny teeny hope I had left was gone. Hope for what? I don't know exactly - I just felt it blow out, like a candle inside my chest cavity. Just darkness.  I cried myself to sleep in the hotel, waiting for the jury to come back with a verdict.

2 am - phone rings. Huh? The jury kept working through the night? No, can't be. Omg, Mom is hurt. Answer the phone you fool. "Hello?" "hi lisa, its linda (Carlin's mom). It's baby time".  Holy crap. I am now about 2 hours away. Holy crap. Ok. Ok. I'm having a baby. No, I'm delivering a baby. Wait. Its 2 am. Jury will start deliberating again at 9 am. Shit. Ok, we have 7 hours to get this done. Let's do it!

I made it to the hospital in less than 90 minutes.  And then........we waited. And waited. And waited.
As in 99.9% of times I've been in the hospital, the patient I am "there for" is perfectly fine. They have drugs. And a bed. I have nothing but a hard chair and a ticking clock on the wall.  Do you know that as a birth coach you don't have to keep track of contractions? They have a machine for that now. I have felt pretty damn useless in my life many times. I am adding that day to the list.

9 am..jury starts deliberating again. Noon..no news, either on the baby front or the jury front. 4 pm - I'm getting really nervous.  Jury might actually make a decision shortly - they'll want their free dinner to finish up the details, and come back soon.  Carlin has stopped dilating.  She is being her hilariously typical self with comments like "huh. i never anticipated having contractions IN MY ASS" and "I have never felt more dignified in my life".   I suggest perhaps she lay off the drugs for awhile..she's got some hard work ahead of her.  She replies "oooh iiii iiiee" which I have translated to "oh i'm fine". Only she has lost the ability to form consonants.  Hrm. Nurse comes in and after a brief attempt at an update from the mom to be, cuts her off from the drugs.  An hour later - no verdict, no baby. Another hour..no verdict ..no baby.  I call the detective "inside"..he says the jury skipped dinner and are still going strong.  Back in the hospital room, the nurse and docs come in to say that Carlin has passed the time she should have and is too tired now to deliver vaginally.  "We" are going to do a C-Section.

Um. WTF???

They explain to me I'll have to "scrub up" and come into the operating room.  Ok..side bar. I love Grey's Anatomy. Christina Yang and Bailey are my heroines.  At the words "scrub up" I perk up. OH YAY BABY!!  I'm excited!!  They wheel Carlin away to prep her, give me my scrubs and tell me they'll be back for me soon.  I pace. My aunt takes picture. I pace some more, watching the clock, watching my phone, and not for one single second am I letting myself think about my current situation.  The nurse comes to get me, plants me outside the operating room and says "wait here, i'll just see if they are ready for you".

And that's when my guard goes down. I'm alone now. Ringer off. Silence. That kind of hospital secure area silence.  And I realize..WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE??? Sure, I love Grey's..but I scream and look away at any of the gory parts!!!  This is not ME.  This is Mimi's job! Mimi did gory. Mimi did hospital stuff when family needed it. Not me. I don't do this. Holy crap, what if Carlin dies? She can't die. Not on my watch. Omg, I can't handle this. Shit, mimi, why are you dead? Why can't I feel you???  Where are you?? right, in a blue tarp, under a blue police tent. I can't do this.  I'm going to pass out. Shit. Breathe. Breathe.
Nurse comes out, must notice the look of wild silent panic in my eyes and pats me on the hand.."Dont worry honey, you won't see a thing, she's under a blue tent".   I know this was meant to make me feel better. But because of the previous 24 hours this just slammed into me, knocking the breath I had been holding for who knows how long out of me so hard I had to bend over.
The nurse says from somewhere far far away.."if you can't do this, say it now. Someone needs to be with Carlin, she can't be alone in there".

That did it.  Mimi was alone.  Michele died with no one who loved her by her side. Was buried with no loved ones mourning her. She was found alone, in the ground, under a blue tent by strangers doing their job.

Carlin would not die.  And if she did, she would not be alone with strangers doing their job.  And that little wee babe about to come into the world from under a blue tent? She should have someone who already loved her, sight unseen, able to talk to her if Carlin couldn't.  History would NOT repeat itself tonight.  I will be useful.  I will  not fail those I love again.

I'm ok...I'm ok..I realize I had better say this outloud before the nurse walks away.."Hey! I'm ok" i say a little too loudly;)

"Alright" she replies.."see that little grey metal stool by Carlin's head?" " Go sit there and try not to trip or touch anything".

Um. Said stool is about as wide as one of my calves.  It is literally wedged between her head a stack of monitors and machines, entangled amongst dozens of cables and wires.  Great. No one said there would be an obstacle course.  I managed it though, and made it to Carlin..and it was true, all I had access to her was her head and part of her forearm.  "Hey babe..you ready to have a babe?"  "hrm. i'm ff-ree-zing" and I realize she is shaking. In the first room I would lay over her and "heat" her up ..here though all I could do was press myself on her forearm and around her head and hope for the best.  Linda had given me strict instructions to take lots of pictures. The nurse had been clear - pictures before permission would get me kicked out.  Ok..no pressure.  Just breathe.

The doctor leans over and says to Carlin, "Ok honey, we are going to get this stubborn child into the world, are you ready? "  Carlin said "sure..yep..uh huh..."  And then I heard it. The phrase every surgeon in training longingly awaits.."Scalpel please".  Ok..I can handle this.

Then I heard it.  Flesh being cut by a scalpel is a pretty gross sound.  However, as I was about to learn pretty quickly (like in the next 30 seconds) not as gross as the sound following the words "Suction". OMG. Seriously, oh my freaking god.  "Breathe Carlin, just keep breathing" I say.  Carlin of course is breathing fine. I am about to start hyperventilating.  Either it was normal OR chit chat, or the doc noticed my eyes rolling back in my  head, but she decided this was a good time to start a conversation with Carlin.
"So Carlin, have you picked out a name yet?"
"Sort of ..Hanna..Hanna for my boss who I love..it means Grace.."
"Oh that's a beautiful name..any middle names picked out?"
Carlin pauses, seems to  get upset...I start patting her head..
"I don't know..I can't decide..I don't want to hurt my friend by not picking her name but I want another name too.."
The doc and I laugh at the same time and doc says "honey, my last child has 4 names - had to fit them all in!" I said "babe, i've got three..i think sammie has 4..i've lost count".

Things started getting busy under that blue tent at that moment and then..in what seemed like seconds, out into the world came sweet little Hanna.  Silently.  Ok I think..maybe that's what happens to C-Section babies. Maybe they don't cry.  They bring her over to the baby table and start working away on her while I'm shedding some tears and holding Carlin's head, trying to sneak in some pics on my phone with no one noticing. Cry. Baby, please cry. Just cry.  Then it happens. A loud "HEY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON" kind of cry only a newborn can make.  Carlin hears this and says "oh..oh..my..that's my baby". I'm shaking like a leaf, partly out of exhaustion, partly out of fear, mostly out of trying to keep my balance on that wee little piece of steel under my ass.

As they are working on putting Carlin back together again (literally) the nurse carries Hanna over and I have a moment of panic. Doesn't she realize Carlin is stretched out like Jesus on the cross? She can't hold the baby yet.  Sweet little Hanna is placed in my arms.  Oh my . I'm crying as I type this.
A new life. Full of hope, full of dreams, with no limits, no mistakes, just love.  All of this, entrusted in my arms.
"Happy birthday sweet little Hanna, happy birthday my love.  Meet your mama, you are the luckiest little girl in the world".
The doc leans over the blue tent and smiles..."So Carlin, I"m going to go tell your family about Hanna..do you have her name now that you've seen her?"
Carlin nods, looks away from Hanna to her doc and says..

"Yes..Hanna Jane for my friend..."
Carlin looks at me and says..
"Michelle..if that's ok"..

I lost it.  The tears that were streaming came pouring out and the body that was shaking started looking like it belonged to an epileptic.
"whoa hey" says the doc "um..i don't know what just happened there, but you have to get a grip, you are holding a baby".
Right. A baby.  Hanna Jane Michelle.

Somewhere..deep, deep inside that dark chest cavity of mine..a little tiny bit of light began to flicker.  And her name was Hanna.

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Tucson isn't a desert..it's a really big beach:)

Here I am, as promised, nursing a decaf and writing up some silliness!  I did get that previously mentioned paper done - with 6 minutes to spare.  I'm not happy with myself over this, but hey, these days, I'll just add it to the list of "why I wish I wasn't Lisa's friend" :)

What I *am* happy about is that my hubby is meeting with a real estate agent in Tucson today.  Yep, you read that right- Tucson.  Quick background : abour 4 years ago he and his cousin (who lives in Tucson) came up with a brilliant idea.  They started talking about it to some people in the biz and they got very excited.  Since they they bought a small company that has a piece of what they need in Tampa,  HF (=handsome face my nickname for him) works up here with a couple of guys and Cuz works in Tampa.  This has impeded progress to say the least.  Since it's concept we seriously talked about moving to Tucson, then Tampa, Vancouver and Bellingham.  So, after a very successful booth at a large convention this fall I finally said it.  "HF my darling, enough is enough. Move us to Tucson and let's get rich already".   I truly believe this will not succeed unless he is in the same place with Cuz, in a city of smart, creative minds.  I'm not looking forward to living in a desert but I've nicknamed the whole thing "Project Pool" (a pool being a condition of our move lol) !  So, last month they opened the Tucson office and my husband has never seemed happier.

Except for one tiny little detail. As Canadians who are employable (me), employing 10 U.S. citizens and paying rent in two commercial buildings in the U.S.(him) and have a University bound dependant we don't qualify to move to the states.  Don't get me started or I'll say something insensitive. We have a lawyer who is working hardly  to make that happen, so I'm trying to be patient.

So so so..back to the point..Today he is meeting with a real estate agent. Yes, I know I already said that, but I'm SO SO excited!!  I've sent my requests of 2-3 addresses to go look at...so now..i wait and see.

Cuz yeah..waiting and seeing is what I'm really good at:)


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Diggin' In!

Yesterday's Goals and Results - ABFAB!
- water - done!
- fruits and veggies - done!
- no night time eating - i had an apple:) so ..DONE!
- 6K steps - how does 10, 776 sound ??

Ok ok I know, we are supposed to do 10K minimum per day to MAINTAIN a healthy lifestyle.  But with my various injuries that can be painful, and with the restrictions the doc has me on it can also be challenging.  But I had already decided to walk from X to Y last night while running an errand..thing is, even though I've lived in this city for years I completely misjudged how far this was. I thought it was a 10 minute 3 block walk.  Turns out via google maps it's a 30 minute (so 55 min @ Lisa speed) 2.5km walk.  I was a hurting girl but pretty happy with the steps I had recorded for the day!

In Other Lisa News: I am about to enter the "ok life is gonna be busy as hell the next week" zone.  Actually, not even a whole week.  Things should be back to it's usual frantic pace by Monday.  Until then though - oy.

You see, I'm still working on a certificate in Criminology and Criminal Law from Ryerson.  I have three credits to go, and am working on one of those now.  The good news is - i love the material. The bad news is? It's online only.  This is the first time I've taken an online only class and honestly, for me, this is not working at all.  I'm behind on my reading, and most importantly, behind on a paper I have to hand in Saturday by midnight. Which I haven't started yet. By that I mean I haven't even researched it yet.

No big deal one would think..Sure, it's tight, and won't be the best but it's Wednesday, you still have a few days.  Yes, except I work 8:00 am to 5:30 pm.  Tonight I have a counselling session, then the symphony.  Saturday I have a birthday party for a very, very special two year old.  Not to mention you know..life. Dog walking, dinner cooking, laundry, life with a teenager and an out of town husband.

But I can do it.  The challenge will be to get through crazy frantic without leaving behind a healthy lifestyle.  So, my goals for the next few days will be simple.  Keep It Simple.  Tonight when I get home I'll boil up a bunch of shrimp and make some steel cut oats.  That way I have a healthy go to for a carb and a protein.  I've got prewashed, precut, veggies already packed up in baggies and ready to go.

Thursday - Sunday Goals
- 3 litres of water every day no matter what
- 5K steps.  Half of what one is "supposed" to do on a daily basis, but this way I won't have the big "Fail" sign tugging at my brain as I try to focus on whether or not the CSI effect is real (the topic of my paper).
- 1 hour every day just for me.  Whether I am getting my nails done, cooking something I love, or maybe, maybe I'll even take a bath - but I have to find a way to give myself 1 hour each day.  I've learned that consciously doing this has really been helping with my mood and my blood pressure.

I won't be blogging much (if at all ) between now and then but I have already decided my hour to me on Sunday will be blog stalking and hopefully posting!!

Have a good end of week !!


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A little push:)

Sometimes you just need a little push. 

Most of the time I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to get things done, but my post yesterday really helped give me a little nudge instead of the usual hard, brutal shove required to accomplish anything.  As far as I know, Cammy is my one and only reader and that makes me very happy - cuz if you are only going to have one reader, Cammy is the IDEAL sole reader to have!!

So I kept checking my list of goals for yesterday (cuz it was SOO long and complicated - not) and making sure I was doing the right things to achieve them.

Here's how I did:
  *Drink 3 litres of water - ACCOMPLISHED!
  *6000 Steps on the Fitbit - 5887 - SO SO CLOSE!

  *3-4 Servings of fruit and veggies - ACCOMPLISHED!
  *No eating after dinner unless fruit or veggie  - HOLY CRAP - ACCOMPLISHED

So, not too shabby really:)  For a non goal reaching kinda gal!

The water was easy peasy - actually am pretty sure I got more than 3 litres in but whatever.  Fruits and veggies..well, if I were going to be really picky I'd say i need less F's and more V's, but that wasn't the goal so lay off. (that's me talking to my other me;).

The lack of steps pissed me off. To the point that while I was standing next to my bed, exhausted and in pjs, I marched in place until I confirmed that the fitbit does not register those kind of steps for some reason. 

I was really thrilled with the no night time eating!!  Oh how I wanted chocolate..or chips..or both. Sweet..crunchy..keep my mouth busy kind of snack.  Body check - am i hungry? nope. Thirsty? With 4 litres of water in my belly? No way.  Oh no, i'm going to cave..no..WAIT! I've got it!!

Ran to my purse and grabbed a cherry halls:)  It was PERFECT!!  May buy them in bulk LOL!

Today's goals will be the same - hoping to reach those 6K in steps!!


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Goals and Managing Expecatations

I have a hard time with goals - always have.  Not just weigh loss related goals - any goals.

It's almost as if once I set a goal I give up.  Walk away. Turn my back on it. Pretend it didn't exist while at the same time resenting the fact it ever did.

Which might account for the fact that I rarely, if ever, finish what I start.

At 43 years old I think it's high time I do something about that no?

I put a lot of thought into this this weekend and instead of going all gung ho and making long term, high expectation goals, I'm going to tiptoe towards small, reachable goals. As I get those knocked off, I'll start raising my expectations:)

As soon as I typed that word I had to smile.  My husband and I had a long chat this weekend about "managing expectations" - of other people, situations, and mostly, ourselves.  I've done pretty good learning how to do the first two..as a matter of fact, I usually set them too low and then get to be pleasantly surprised when the person or situation exceeds my expecation!  That last one though, needs some work.

And that is what I'm going to focus on for the next little while.  Managing Expectations of Myself. Managing Self Expectations?  How about just..being fair and balanced and just - to me.  Based on the varity of injuries and health issues I have caused myself over the years, I think the safest bet for right now is just to go Back To the Basics slowly but surely.

Goal #1 - Monday November 12th - back to the basics
 - drink 3 litres of water
- 6000 steps on the fitbit
 - have 3-4 servings of fruit and veggies
 - no eating after dinner unless it's a fruit or veggie.
By making a daily goal I can hopefully accomplish another goal of mine - to blog and read blogs daily. 
Here's to managing expectations, and hopefully meeting one, small day of attainable goals!

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©2009Doin' It For Me | by TNB