Balance and all that shit.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Balance and all that shit.

The good news?  I love butternut squash soup.  Or, at least the one I make.  Squash, garlic, onion all roasted up.  Add water and spices.  Blend.  Can't go wrong with that!!

The bad news? My birthday is coming up in a few days.  43 freaking years old. This whole blogging thing started with a blog (now closed)  called Absolutely Fabulous by 40.  Hrm. Not so much.

The good news?  I am back at it – tracking, drinking water, green tea, parking a little farther, walking a little more, thinking a bit before eating.  I've even started a "Yoga for Absolute Beginners" class ( I do have a love for the word absolute).

The bad news?  You would think by now “starting to eat right and move more” would be easy (at least the starting part!!) considering how many times over the years I have done this.  It’s not.  Tuesday – excellent choices all day, measured, thought out and enjoyed.  Wednesday – did well all day..and then come the evening KABOOM.  I ate, and I ate, and I ate.  I journaled it all as best as I could – meaning I didn’t actually count the tortilla chips I ate (though shut the smart lisa up by mentally saying “they are MULTIGRAIN get off my conscious” like that helps !) and I didn’t really measure out the chocolate peanut butter ice cream I ate..but looking back on it I can guess how much it was (gross) and I journaled it.  Which I guess is more good news:)

Have no idea what to do with it news?  So I started thinking about what sent me into my eating spin.  See, I’m really really really good at just “putting it away and doing what has to be done”.   No, really, I am.  This talent of mine has gotten me through hell and back – twice.  But it doesn’t really work when it comes to weight loss – especially when you eat to comfort – even when you don’t realize you are eating to comfort.  So this talent of mine is detrimental in this way – my brain says “eat. Just eat. Doesn’t matter what, cram it in.”  And all the other parts of my brain go into “ok don’t think about it, put it away and do what needs to be done which according to our orders is eat”.

Last night’s trigger (ah the pun) was a tweet.   A news report about a woman who had walked into a shelter a few weeks ago and claimed to have no memory of who she was or where she was from and the police were looking for help in identifying her.  I tried to not open it, but told myself it was for the good of the community and maybe I could help.  But all the voices in my head knew the truth.  I was hoping it was Mimi.  While a part of me knew it wasn’t a part of me played the whole “movie scene” out in my head of it being her before the browser finished loading.  It wasn’t her.   I moved from my bedroom to the couch in less than 2 minutes.  Within 5minutes I was in the kitchen.

Looking back, I can see what happened.  At the time – it was a situation that took all of 8-10 seconds.  I didn’t think about the tweet, the feelings, the disappointment.  I put it away.  And then got the mental order  to eat.

One of the many tools I will need to refill my “get healthy” toolbox is how to STOP and not always be in fight or flight mode (or in my case play any version of Farmville for days on end/ eat mindlessly or work out so hard I break a piece of me mode).   I don’t want to be navel gazing all the time either though.  While writing this I had to stop and go cry into a towel.  I’m not sure if I was more upset that it wasn’t her, or that I let myself believe it could have been her (I’m guessing it’s the latter)…. As usual, it’s about figuring out some sort of balance.   

You’d think as a Libra I’d be good at that shit;)

One day maybe:)

xo