It's the little things

It's the little things

I feel fabulous :)

 

 

 

 I didn't run a marathon, climb a mountain, finish a MudRun (but man that last one would be awesome!).   I didn't eat completely on track and discover a new food. No great epiphanies. Not even amazing sex (hubby's out of town so really, no sex at all lol).

 

I just..put together some clothes in my closet and ..well..I look great!!  Usually I end up at my desk thinking "Sigh, my pants are too short" or " This would look great if I could only wear boots with heels" .."Too bad I forgot my earrings" "argh how did my nail polish chip in my sleep??"

 

Not today!! Today I stepped outside my comfort zone a bit for my boss.  He has a very important person coming to visit the office today to "evaluate how we can improve".  My boss is a bit of a character, and so far, I really like him (we've only been together 2 months so we are still in the honeymoon stage of things.  He's a smart cookie, which I admire.  I also recognize that although they advertised for an Admin Coordinator (and that's what I walked in wanting) I am actually his Exec Admin.  Exec Admin's to President's make about 10K more a year then Admin Coordinators here.  But, his company is privately owned, the money comes out of his pocket, and I get it. I knew it going in so there are no hard feelings.

 

 I wanted to give him an Exec Admin for this person he is trying to show our best side to.  Last night, I went around and cleaned and spruced up the office a bit.  Sent out an email to all staff asking them to spiffy up around their desks. Totally hid the piles around my desk.  

 

 So this morning, I thought, hrm...you should spiffy up too.  Jumped up at 6:15 and put myself together.  Now, after all this ramp up my outfit is very simple.  Black pumps, black tights, grey pencil skirt, and this fabulous Jacob sweater thing I bought a few months ago. Silver jewellery, perfect make up, and even my hair decided to not look homeless today :)

 

Amazing how much better I feel about the world in general when I feel better about myself.  I'm not making any self-promises to pull this off every day.  It's taken me 43 years to have one day where I feel just right in my clothes for one day.  But one day can lead to two..maybe not consecutively but you string enough of them together and that makes for a pretty great feeling compared to the schlump I usually feel like:)

 

So go on..put on a bit of gloss.  It makes everything seem a bit shinier:)

 

 





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Dreamin'...

Dreamin'...

I had the best dream last night.  It was so good that I woke up this morning still feeling it's remnants.

I dreamt I let go. 

I let go of the anger, fear, disappointment, humiliation, betrayal, feelings of abandonment and resentment and most of all, the feeling of loss that I have towards a family member that had once again pushed me out of her life.

I let go of the fear and anger and betrayal of the justice system that will allow my sister's murderer to live in a "resort" and never see the inside of an adult facility.

I let go of the fear of my own pending death (someday lol) looked at life without the bittersweet knowledge that it will all be gone one day.

And as these "things" just left my body (through my shoulders oddly enough) little things started floating out my fingers.  Out when the loneliness I feel when my husband is out of town and my daughter is out for an overnight. The panic I feel when I realize this will be my life one day and although I'm happy with my own company I don't have anyone to just hang with randomly.   Out went the little ego fears - i can't smile-my teeth are ugly, i can't go to the gym-i'm too overweight and broken now,  no one will show up to my funeral (yes i worry about that- i'm weird - that and I hope whoever hosts it doesn't do anything tacky) and so on and so on..

I just let it all go. 

And woke up not feeling sore as I usually do (my husband can't believe how "tight" i sleep now, so he's not surprised I wake up sore every morning).

As a matter of fact, I woke up feeling pretty damn good.

Here's to making dreams a reality.

xo

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I'm Still Doin' It:)

I'm Still Doin' It:)

 I upped my game a bit this week. Walked a bit further, drank more water/clear tea instead of coffee. Ate heavier at lunch then in the evening.  Started eyeing the schedule at the gym a bit more.

And, I weighed in for the first time since my birthday (11 days ago)..lost 3lbs:)  I am a very happy girl!

Time management is key, and sadly, something I'm not great at, but I'm forcing myself to be better:) Getting a bit ahead of the game in the smaller things - studying for my course, laundry, cooking, packing lunches.

I've even set a mini - goal. Not sure how that is going to go, because I seem to do better when I just "go along and see what happens" (as the above weight loss proves) but I think it's important.

You see I have 2 credits left to finish my certificate at the local university, and both are offered in class only from Jan - March.  Neither are available in the spring session.  That means two nights a week in class and who knows how many sitting and reading and and writing and studying.  To be fair, there ain't much else to do in Toronto from Jan to March lol..but I know from experience  I am a lot more comfortable sitting in those desks when I weigh 10lbs less than I do now.

So that's my goal. November 1st (well actually today but it sounds better to say November 1st) to January 7th - 10lbs.

Tonight's goal? Trying this recipe: Spinach Stuffed Tilapia

I'll let you know how that goes!
xo

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I. LOVE. IT.

I. LOVE. IT.

This morning I had to go visit a friend of mine in the hospital (he's fine, just understandably cranky) which is near a market I love to roam through.

I actually washed and styled my hair and put on make up - all the while wondering WHY since really, it's Sunday, i'm not going to end up on the news or in a fashion mag, and if I just walked out as per my usual I don't think I'd totally offend Stacey and Clinton.  But I did. I felt really great about me when I walked out the door.

I. LOVE . IT.

Then, while walking through the market with my amazing daughter she says "hey mom, there's the piercing place! you should get your nose done again".  Much to her shock I said 'huh..ok, let's do it!'

Bled like ..something that bleeds a lot... which made for a lovely visual as I made way back through the market to the car lol!  I don't care:)

And ta-da! I have a shiny new jewel in my left nostril :)

I. LOVE. IT.

Hubby bought me  P!nk's new album which really just rocks my world.  Seriously, the music is awesome - pair it with the 2 new video's and I am in lust  ,   I mean love!

I. LOVE. IT.








Came home, and kiddo and I super cleaned out the fridge - got rid of stuff that was in jars and way past their date / have no idea why we bought this we will never eat it.  Chopped up veggies and prepackaged them into single servings.  Made it all clean, shiny and organized:)

I. LOVE. IT.

Great day !

xo

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Balance and all that shit.

Balance and all that shit.

The good news?  I love butternut squash soup.  Or, at least the one I make.  Squash, garlic, onion all roasted up.  Add water and spices.  Blend.  Can't go wrong with that!!

The bad news? My birthday is coming up in a few days.  43 freaking years old. This whole blogging thing started with a blog (now closed)  called Absolutely Fabulous by 40.  Hrm. Not so much.

The good news?  I am back at it – tracking, drinking water, green tea, parking a little farther, walking a little more, thinking a bit before eating.  I've even started a "Yoga for Absolute Beginners" class ( I do have a love for the word absolute).

The bad news?  You would think by now “starting to eat right and move more” would be easy (at least the starting part!!) considering how many times over the years I have done this.  It’s not.  Tuesday – excellent choices all day, measured, thought out and enjoyed.  Wednesday – did well all day..and then come the evening KABOOM.  I ate, and I ate, and I ate.  I journaled it all as best as I could – meaning I didn’t actually count the tortilla chips I ate (though shut the smart lisa up by mentally saying “they are MULTIGRAIN get off my conscious” like that helps !) and I didn’t really measure out the chocolate peanut butter ice cream I ate..but looking back on it I can guess how much it was (gross) and I journaled it.  Which I guess is more good news:)

Have no idea what to do with it news?  So I started thinking about what sent me into my eating spin.  See, I’m really really really good at just “putting it away and doing what has to be done”.   No, really, I am.  This talent of mine has gotten me through hell and back – twice.  But it doesn’t really work when it comes to weight loss – especially when you eat to comfort – even when you don’t realize you are eating to comfort.  So this talent of mine is detrimental in this way – my brain says “eat. Just eat. Doesn’t matter what, cram it in.”  And all the other parts of my brain go into “ok don’t think about it, put it away and do what needs to be done which according to our orders is eat”.

Last night’s trigger (ah the pun) was a tweet.   A news report about a woman who had walked into a shelter a few weeks ago and claimed to have no memory of who she was or where she was from and the police were looking for help in identifying her.  I tried to not open it, but told myself it was for the good of the community and maybe I could help.  But all the voices in my head knew the truth.  I was hoping it was Mimi.  While a part of me knew it wasn’t a part of me played the whole “movie scene” out in my head of it being her before the browser finished loading.  It wasn’t her.   I moved from my bedroom to the couch in less than 2 minutes.  Within 5minutes I was in the kitchen.

Looking back, I can see what happened.  At the time – it was a situation that took all of 8-10 seconds.  I didn’t think about the tweet, the feelings, the disappointment.  I put it away.  And then got the mental order  to eat.

One of the many tools I will need to refill my “get healthy” toolbox is how to STOP and not always be in fight or flight mode (or in my case play any version of Farmville for days on end/ eat mindlessly or work out so hard I break a piece of me mode).   I don’t want to be navel gazing all the time either though.  While writing this I had to stop and go cry into a towel.  I’m not sure if I was more upset that it wasn’t her, or that I let myself believe it could have been her (I’m guessing it’s the latter)…. As usual, it’s about figuring out some sort of balance.   

You’d think as a Libra I’d be good at that shit;)

One day maybe:)

xo

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